VirPed Panel: 22 January 2024

“Swedish Podcaster” asks:

Do pedophiles have regular relationships?

Speaking for myself obviously: I have never been in a romantic/sexual relationship. I’m not strictly speaking exclusive (I have some feelings for young adults but they are not a match for my feelings for children up to around teenage years) however I do feel this lack of relationships in my life is at least partly linked to my minor attraction, or that both have a related cause. I have siblings and family of course. I had friends, but lost touch due to a relocation and never really acquired new friends in my new location (not counting current and former workmates whom I don’t socialize with outside of work) - I put this down to crippling shyness and possibly autism.

Depends on the definition of relationships and the individual pedophile. Romantic relationship? Sexual relationship? For myself, I’d say no. I’m a virgin. But there is no standard response. Many have spouses and kids of their own.

If this means normal relationships (parents, siblings, friends etc.) than yes. If it means romantic that’s more complicated. Some do have normal adult relationships with partners that may or may not know about their attractions. Some can’t ever see themselves being with an adult, mainly those that aren’t attracted to them or don’t want to have to hide things from them. I’m lucky enough to be in a relationship with another map, this doesn’t seem to be common but I know of other map couples. In my opinion it’s the best option if you can manage it. Having a partner with similar attractions to you is very nice in terms of having someone who understands the challenges and experiences of being a map.

I certainly do. I’m attracted to women as well. I was married for 10 years, and we got along great, although we weren’t terribly sexually compatible. I had a girlfriend after that for about 5-6 years, and I was very in love with her. In fact, I love being with a woman because it certainly diminishes any sexual feelings toward kids. I definitely prefer long term relationships and am very loyal. I’m currently single, and have been for the past 5 years or so.

Non-exclusive pedophiles have an attraction to adults. If it’s strong enough, sexual and romantic encounters are possible or likely. I’m one of the least exclusive pedophiles I know of, and spent my young adulthood trying hard to get girlfriends my age and keep them. I married one and we had 3 kids together, and got divorced for reasons independent of pedophilia. I later got into a second serious relationship, and it was while we were involved that I discovered my pedophilia. I certainly was not going to tell her, but I did not break up with her. It was going to just be a secret I kept – but in that relationship I was avoiding many other important topics in an effort not to rock the boat and keep things working. It was not a major cause of breaking up (though I imagine non-pedophile men would have found her more attractive at the age of 50 than I did).

This is a pattern I’ve seen – pedophiles often won’t start a relationship even if they are attracted because they don’t want to keep a big secret or aren’t sure they can, and revealing the secret during dating will with high likelihood mean it is a last date. But if they have managed not to realize or be honest with themselves about their pedophilia, then they can get into such relationships. And once in it, it’s not clear what to do. I don’t recall any cases where it eroded the compassion and caring they felt for their partner.

Those are all pedophiles who are trying to do the right thing. The word in society in large is that there are men who cynically marry a single mom in order to get close to her attractive children (as Humbert Humbert did), but I don’t believe I’ve ever heard a story like that told on Virtuous Pedophiles – where such a person might join if they see the error of their ways.

Some of us, of course, like any demographic of people. I have an ex-wife with whom I am on good terms. She does not know I am a pedophile, and would not handle that information well if I told her. We have two children that we love very much, and co-parenting well is important to us. I have a boyfriend, currently. Between breaking up with my ex and finding my boyfriend l had tried dating a few times, and it was difficult and complicated. I had trouble being sexual with adult men. I didn’t feel safe or comfortable with them for some reason. I didn’t find my current boyfriend until I had given up looking for someone and resigned myself to being single for life. I didn’t want to enter into a relationship with someone else without then knowing me fully, so I chose to come out to him and he has been accepting. He’s joined my online spaces as an ally, and we even joke about it. He’s great!

I’m lucky enough to have romantic attraction to adults and I have been in a long term relationship for over a decade. The sexual side is obviously lacking and it has caused substantial problems over the years. We have been close to breaking up at times. But we have been able to work through the issues after I came out about who I am. We have a long history together, and things in common, and love for each other, all of it has kept us together.

I am taking the assumption that this means romantic and sexual relationships.

Regular? What is a regular relationship? Is there a set definition to what parametres a relationship has to follow to be regular?

I digress. A lot of pedophiles are non-exclusive, meaning they feel attraction to adults, as well as children. The degree to how much attraction they feel for either adults or children can vary. A lot of non-exclusive pedophiles are in relationship with adults. For exclusive pedophiles like myself, it is certainly more difficult. We feel no attraction towards adults, and trying to keep a relationship in that circumstance is almost impossible. I tried being with a teleiophile (adult attracted to adults) for quite a few years, but it was never a fulfilling relationship for neither of us.

Today, I am lucky enough to be in a relationship with another exclusive pedophile. We know we’re not attracted to eachother, but we want to see if this is something that can work. Over a year has passed and we’re very happy with it. Being with someone who knows you completely and can relate to basically your whole existence is something incredibly unique. Would I call it a regular relationship? Certainly not. We have a strong emotional connection that is built upon knowing eachother completely, but there is no romantic or sexual attraction for eachother. Sex happens when we actively talk about and think about other people (young boys) and we’ve even been sexual with other pedophiles, both together and apart. I love this relationship, and hope I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

Medical professionals (and pedophiles) generally separate pedophiles into 2 categories: exclusive (only attracted to children) and non-exclusive (attracted to children and adults).

Like teleiophiles (people attracted to adults), non-exclusive pedophiles can have a relationship involving both companionship and intimacy with another adult to whom they are attracted. Exclusive pedophiles won’t be attracted to adult partners, but can still have relationships for companionship and may even choose to be intimate and romantic with their partner to express appreciation and provide pleasure. Every case is unique, and some exclusive pedophiles find that their partner becomes a singular exception to their lack of attraction to adults.

Obviously, pedophiles who are minors would be a different story, as for them a “regular relationship” would typically involve dating a kid around their age.

In terms of myself, I’m a non-exclusive pedophile in a relationship with another adult (though admittedly one who looks young for his age) whom I am attracted to and believe I will continue to be attracted to as we both age. My partner is not a pedophile, but he is an ally, and we met in a support group for pedophiles and other MAPs. Our initial relationship was mostly online, so physical attraction never played a huge role, despite me being non-exclusive. Instead, it was the fact that I felt safe and supported when I opened up to him about things I couldn’t share with most others that caused me to develop feelings.

My partner is a few months younger than me and we started dating shortly after I turned 18, and we find humor in the fact that he dated an adult pedophile when he was a minor.

MAPs certainly have relationships, although whether they are “regular” or not would probably depend on the eye of the beholder.

I was not sure my wife would stay with me after she found out I am minor attracted but am fortunate that she has been willing to do so. We have a very close if asexual relationship which I am forever grateful for. I have a strong, enduring relationship with my adult daughter, although my selfish choices (particularly alcohol use) caused pain that I regret and have tried to make amends for. I have r many genuine friends who accept me for who I am. It is also true that I have family members and a few people I thought were my friends who no longer speak to me.

I feel very blessed in relationships and am grateful that many people are able to see me as a person in full, not just as a person with an unwanted sexual attraction to minors.

Yes. I, for one, have been married for many years. We refer to those who do are able to adult sexual relationships as inclusive, and those that are not able to do that as exclusive.

Assuming this means romantic relationships with adults, the answer is that it depends. There are non-exclusive pedophiles who have a sexual and romantic attraction to other adults, and from that are able to have a romantic relationship with another adult. Some of these pedophiles are even married and have their own kids. Other pedophiles are exclusive, and have zero sexual and romantic attraction to adults and therefore can’t be in a relationship with an adult, or at least a relationship that is genuinely fulfilling in any way.

Or at least, I used to think it was that simple. I’m exclusive, and for most of my life I figured that I would be alone forever, never being in a relationship with anyone. That is until I met a fellow MAP with a very similar attraction to mine, and we ended up developing a close emotional bond. Eventually I realized I had feelings for him, and we both started having a proper relationship. From an outside perspective, we look like a regular gay couple, and I tell people that he’s my boyfriend. But I don’t have any actual sexual attraction to him, instead our relationship is built mainly on our emotional connection. And despite being exclusive, we can get some things to work in terms of intimacy (especially if we talk about our fantasies about children while we’re intimate).

I never thought this was possible as an exclusive, but now I can’t imagine life without him. I’ve also learned that, even if I was non-exclusive, being in a relationship with a non-MAP adult would be difficult as I’d still have to keep a secret from them. By far the best part about my relationship with my MAP boyfriend is that we don’t have anything to hide from each other, which is a huge weight off both of our shoulders. And that’s not even getting into the many MAPs who are somewhere in between exclusive and non-exclusive, as well as MAPs who might be exclusive but who also have a kink/fetish that is strong enough on its own that it can work with adults.

Essentially the answer is that most pedophiles probably don’t have regular relationships, but you’d be surprised at what is possible even amongst exclusives.

As an exclusive pedophile, I don’t have sexual or romantic relationships since I (generally) lack the attraction to adults. Plus I’m a very shy individual on top of that, so I starting that kind of relationship with someone would be difficult in my case. That being said, there are some success stories for exclusive pedos with adults who have found something that works. I can only hope I can find something even slightly what they have.

We can have such relationships and quite a few do.

If you are looking for an adult partner who you can be open with about your minor attraction, then you’ll be fishing in the tiny online pool which is the pedophile community. It includes a lot of people who are far too afraid to actually meet in person for fear of exposure, plus a lot of people who could never possibly be sexually attracted to you, either because they’re exclusive or they’re not into guys, or because you’re in a different generation. You could be thousands of miles apart. You could discover they are doing things you don’t approve of and which would make you both less safe if you lived together. You could be well-suited but stuck in awkard-to-get-out-of life circumstances that you got into because you never thought you’d ever meet another suitable pedophile to get together with. You could luck out and find The One.

Or else you have to find someone from the wider dating pool, but then somehow pick your moment to mention this really awkard fact. The first through fifth dates are all too early to do this. A year later when you’re planning to move in together is getting late, and maybe already too late. Whenever you mention it, you have to be prepared for the distinct possibility that the the relationship will be over seconds later, and your ex might tell other people the secret. Or you could luck out and they can deal with the fact and stick with you.

Or, you just find a nice other adult from a dating site, fall in love and just never mention you’re a pedophile. You could have a nice life, provided you stick to the simple condition that you maintain the secret until you die, whatever it costs to maintain it. Then you can’t hurt your partner and their family with this scary knowledge that they knew and loved a pedophile. You just know that if they found out they would likely stop loving you. This option is lucking out.

Pick a road. Or try all of them. Get what happiness you can for the time you can.

I’ve had several relationships in my adult life, including marriage and children. I was unable to make any of them work tho ugh. I think the burden of keeping a part of myself a secret from them was a heavy one, and meant I could never truly relate to a partner.

Given that I am an exclusive (my sexual and romantic attraction is only directed at boys), being in a relationship was never something I had envisioned being possible for me. For many years I had tried to come to terms with the fact that I would in all likelihood live my life without a partner, which also had a negative effects on my social life to a point where I felt like a recluse among friends who were all dating, getting married and starting families.

After finding Virtuous Pedophiles and getting to talk to people like me things turned around. I quickly got very close with another exclusive MAP and started developing feelings for him. Different feelings compared to those I develop towards boys, but a deep emotional attraction nonetleless. We were also lucky to not live too far apart so we’re visiting each other fairly regularly.

What surprised me the most was the intimacy and just how powerful and necessary the feeling is of being in the arms of someone who loves you and knows you completely. We also have sex (while sharing fantasies and roleplaying) and it works surprisingly well for both of us. We’ve been together for one and a half years now, and whenever I’m with him I can confidently say that I am truly happy. I love my boyfrined a lot, and I know we have a wonderful future together.

Based on my own experience I’d say it is possible (though unlikely) for even exclusive MAP’s to have something resembling a “regular” relationship with someone they don’t have to hide from.